


The Commonplace Book of Lady Emily Merchant

by Annariel



Category: Primeval
Genre: Diary/Journal, Gen, Humor, POV Female Character, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 19:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annariel/pseuds/Annariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the prompt "A day in which the anomaly detector doesn't go off".</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Commonplace Book of Lady Emily Merchant

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tli.livejournal.com](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tli.livejournal.com).



> Written for tli as part of the primeval_denial Secret Santa. To fully appreciate this story, you really need to read her [Captain Becker's Diary](http://tli-productions.livejournal.com/16462.html) in which Becker hates many, many things with a fiery vengeance, in fact you should read it anyway. Go ahead! I can wait!  
>  **Thanks:** To the wonderful fredbassett for beta-reading this not once, but twice!!

## Books Presented to me by my Colleagues (Notes)

The Oxford History of Britain in the 20th Century (Mr. James Lester). This appears to be a suitable choice. Read First.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (Captain Becker) This would appear to be a fantastical adventure of the style popular in the periodicals. I suspect that this is a thoughtful attempt to introduce me to current politics via the means of popular literature. Given Captain Becker's proclivities I suspect a lot of guns will be involved.

Windows for Dummies (Mr. Connor Temple) A manual for using the ARC's computer systems. This would not be necessary were I supplied with a suitably skilled clerk. Henry had one such who would take down his thoughts by dictation and then write them out in a suitable hand. Note to self: request Lester supply clerk as well as a maid.

The Illustrated Kama Sutra (Miss Jessica Parker). Is this some kind of tasteless joke? According to the preface, the text was written before the birth of Christ and first translated into English a mere quarter century after my own time. How can this have any relevance to my acclimatisation to 21st century life? Since it is impolite to dispose of a gift, I will keep it in the bottom drawer of desk. After all that is where "dear" Henry used to keep his copies of _The Boudoir_.

The Beauty Myth (Mrs. Abigail Temple). This was written by a _very, silly, woman_. Also bottom drawer?

* * *

## Journal, 22nd December 2011

 **6am** The normal pile of mediocrity purporting to be the daily newspapers is delivered to the ARC. I select one at random, as is my custom. _The Daily Mail_ , I deduce, is aimed at the lower orders and therefore even more awash with pictures at the expense of text, sensationalist or otherwise. The front page headline informs me that Jordan is to have botox.

I decide to investigate further and use the `iPhone' Matt purchased for me to call him. Although not a native of this time, he received extensive briefings and is better at explaining them to another traveller.

I ask who or what Jordan is and who or what botox is and why I should be interested in either.

Matt replies, "Do you know what time it is, woman?" and rings off.

Contemplate adding Matt to **the list**

I decide that I will ask James Lester about Jordan and botox when he arrives for work for I judge that he is well abreast of current affairs.

 **6.15am** I make my morning ablutions and lament the absence of a maid, not for the first time. However, I successfully operate the microwave and the kettle to produce a repast that, if not plentiful, is at least respectably presented.

Peruse the _The Daily Mail_ further over breakfast. If I had a maid, or better still a cook, then she could make `Sinful Death by Chocolate Muffins', which appear more healthily filling than sinful or deadly to me. Besides, would not be published in national newssheet if actually deadly or sinful.

Miss Parker arrives and says she doesn't see why I bother laying a place setting out neatly when I'm on my own. _Does this century have no standards?_

Miss Parker switches on "cheerful Christmas themed music". I am subjected to a doleful ballad on the subject of a foolish gentleman who, last Christmas, gave his heart to an apparently undeserving young lady. This is followed by an appalling ditty that appears to believe that "Christian Rhyme" has four syllables and then by some women with eastern European accents and a limited grasp of melody wishing me a cheeky Christmas. I am almost relieved when _Ding Dong Merrily on High_ starts up, though by the sixth Gloria I have recalled why I dislike the carol so much.

Add Miss Parker to **the list**.

Miss Parker concocts plan for Sinful Death by Chocolate Muffins.

Remove Miss Parker from **the list**

 **6.45am** Write a note for James Lester, _not for the first time_ , explaining the importance of a well presented domicile or working environment and noting the absence of a maid to take care of such small but important details. Also mention the need for a cook and the many virtues of Sinful Death by Chocolate Muffins.

Place note in Sir James' pigeonhole, together with photocopy of Muffin recipe supplied by Miss Parker.

 **7am** Decide to read books starting, naturally, with Sir James' thoughtful choice.

 **7.30am** Rearrange desk drawer.

 **7.45am** Who is the Wizard of Oz? And what does he have to do with Christmas?

 **8am** Decide to try _The Beauty Myth_.

 **8.15am** Do not understand _The Beauty Myth_ , even when cross-referencing with the _Kama Sutra_ (solely for the purposes of research and clarity).

 **8.30am** I ask Miss Parker what the patriarchy is. She doesn't know. She asks why I don't wait until Matt gets in and ask him. I do not see the relevance of this remark.

She further adds, somewhat cryptically, that there is a Baby Belling in the barracks quarters. I gather this has something to do with Chocolate Muffins. PA system urges us to `Feed the World'. Suspect the anomaly team will have to do.

 **8.15am** _Last Christmas I gave you my heart_ again????

 **9am** I seek out James Lester to present my query on the subject of Jordan and botox. Lester confirms that he has a professional requirement to remain abreast of current affairs but is unable to answer my question.

I give him a long hard look so that he understands the extent to which he is failing in his duty.

On my way out I observe my notes on respectively, clerks, maids and cooks, in his wastepaper a basket. No sign of the muffin recipe, though.

If I discover Sir James in possession of Muffins baked by private persons of unknown identity I will add him to **the list**

 **9.30am** Rearrange desk drawer.

 **9.45am** The Lord's Prayer to the tune of Auld Lang Syne? _Why!? Why would anyone do this?_

Pray for an anomaly to deliver me.

 **10am** No anomaly.

 **10.15am** No matter what the wisdom of the mysterious east says there are some things which I simply _refuse_ to believe are physically possible.

 **10.30am** Accosted by Captain Becker and presented with a questionnaire which, I am given to understand, is to assess whether I am using my desk and chair correctly. I inform him that I have been using a desk and chair since I was a small child and am perfectly capable of writing a few letters and a diary without injuring myself. I add that my sister Elspeth did once successfully impale herself upon an ink cartridge but that this was considered an exceptional event and I like to consider myself considerably more competent in a number of areas than dear sister Elspeth.

Becker it seems also has a sister Elspeth and I am soon in possession of far more information than I need on the subject of said sister, her children and her sudden and inexplicable obsession with researching her ancestors. Becker asks me if I feel that the possession of offspring entitles me to rummage through the family loft and then read out portions of my great-great-great-aunt's diary to unsuspecting and entirely innocent siblings. I find I am unable to comment upon this point of etiquette.

It must be said my relationship with my family has long been difficult. Most of them have been on **the list** for some years.

As he leaves, Becker asks why the _Kama Sutra_ is on my desk.

I claim no knowledge of the book. Captain Becker, I am convinced, smirks and then makes an oblique reference to Mr. Anderson. I do not see the relevance of this remark.

Add Captain Becker to **the list**.

Pointedly return both _The Illustrated Kama Sutra_ and _Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy_ to the bottom drawer.

 **10.35am** Retrieve _The Illustrated Kama Sutra_ and _Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy_. One, after all, should have something bracing to read when at constant risk of being cheerfully informed that Santa Claus (I dread to think) is coming to town or that Rudolph has a very shiny nose.

 **11am** Meet Mr. Anderson in the common room for what Mr. Temple refers to as elevenses and comment upon the absence of serving staff. It occurs to me to refer to him my question about the patriarchy and to inquire why Captain Becker might think a respectable gentleman such as himself might have an interest in _The Illustrated Kama Sutra_. Captain Becker arrives at this moment and he and Mr. Anderson fall into some kind of confusion.

It would seem that the future is not as liberated as it likes to make out.

Miss Parker arrives and announces the elaborate plan to procure Sinful Death by Chocolate Muffins. Mrs Temple approves plan and a somewhat startled looking Mr. Temple is despatched with a shopping list.

Discover identity of perpetrator of the Auld Lang Syne monstrosity. Add to **the list**.

 **11.30am** Note to self: Who are the KGB?

 **11.40am** Decide not to ask Miss Parker what _Smurfing Bells_ are.

 **11.50am** Sincerely wish it will _not_ be Christmas every day. Repeat prayer for anomaly.

 **11.55am** Still no anomaly. Ask Mr. Temple what he is doing. Do not see the point of Tetris.

 **12 noon** Ask about Muffins. Mr. Temple replies that he purchased the wrong sort of chocolate. Further inquiry does not enlighten me. Mr. Temple has clearly raised the fine art of looking foolish and ignorant to a new level.

 **12.05pm** The PA System is simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Would contemplate suicide were it not a mortal sin. Mention this in subsequent prayer.

 **12.10pm** Still no anomaly. I present Mr. Temple with my question about the mystery of current affairs even though I strongly doubt he knows what a newspaper is. I have certainly never seen one about his person. His response is mystifying though googling does not sound like a suitable activity for a lady.

 **12.15pm** _Will no one relieve me of this endless tedium?_

 **12.20pm** Still no anomaly. Agree to let Mr. Temple teach me Tetris. He claims this will take my mind off the music.

 **2.30pm** Add Tetris to **the list**. Twice, for good measure.

Ask James Lester who invented Tetris. He says, "I don't know. Probably Microsoft." I make a note.

 **2.40pm** Decide to uninstall Tetris from computer since `Windows for Dummies' gives me to understand this is appropriate way to handle such things.

 **2.45pm** Computer broken. Consider adding computers to **the list** but decide list is getting too long.

 **3pm** Mr. Temple subjects me to a long tirade on the subject of Microsoft from a position beneath my desk.

I recommend the deportation of all those involved with Microsoft to Australia. I believe Mr. Temple bumps his head at this point.

He then asks why I don't get Matt to fix my computer. I do not see the relevance of this remark.

 **3.30pm** In the absence of an anomaly I am forced to contemplate the form on the correct usage of a desk and chair with which Becker has presented me.

 **4pm** Enter Becker's office to return health and safety form. Discover he is engaged in something called skypeing with which I was not previously familiar. I am therefore somewhat surprised to open his door and hear a very determined female voice announce:

"I've found our great-great-grandmother's true identity! Her name was Lady Emily Merchant. She was only sixteen. They passed the baby off as her sister's. It's all in the diary. I knew there was something fishy about that birth certificate."

Find myself forced to agree with Becker on the unfortunate qualities of his siblings.

There are some moments of silence following the revelation of this _unfortunate connection_. I suspect Becker and I are staring at each other in a most undignified fashion since this is not a social situation covered in any book of etiquette of which I am aware. Then I hand him my form and he thanks me.

Situation not helped by PA system's observation that it saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus.

 **4.30pm** Miss Parker informs me, at the high volume required to drown out a particularly enthusiastic rendition of _Hark, the Herald_ , that she has just taken delivery of the right sort of chocolate: 90% cocoa solids apparently. This has possibly arrived in bulk, but I suppose that will keep us in muffins for the next year. I can not inquire further though for Matt has just entered the room, seeking me out.

 **4.45pm** Matt wanted to know why Captain Becker has demanded that he, Matthew Anderson, explain his intentions towards myself, Lady Emily Merchant.

I deny all knowledge of anything, particularly any _unfortunate connections_. Matt manages to look both relieved and confused at one and the same time. This is possibly two more expressions than he employs in a normal twenty-four hour period and he is forced to retire exhausted to his office.

 **5pm** Enter Captain Becker's office and demand to know why he attempting to extract information from Matt Anderson with menaces and, moreover, why everyone is continually making assumptions about the entirely platonic relationship enjoyed by Matt and myself.

I do not entirely grasp the utterance that follows, but it contains the word "granny."

Add Captain Becker to **the list**. Again.

Inform Captain Becker that it should be obvious to a purblind donkey that Matt Anderson is not, and never will be, interested in self or any other woman and there are clearly some facts about human nature, the birds and the bees, that this century has entirely forgotten, ready access to _The Kama Sutra_ not withstanding.

I add that if he ever, again, attempts to strong-arm someone on my behalf using our _unfortunate connection_ as an excuse I will be forced to view him as an agent of the patriarchy, the KGB, Microsoft or possibly all three at once and deal with him accordingly.

Suspect effect slightly undermined by excessive _fa la la_ ing from the PA system. However Captain Becker looks suitably contrite. I tell him that if he is a good boy I will buy him a lollipop. I believe this to be appropriate behaviour from grandmothers.

 **5.30pm** Disaster! It transpires that neither Jess nor Abby can bake. I, of course, am accustomed to a cook. On inquiry, all available men-folk claim to have no culinary skill beyond the exotic, but in this instance unwanted, pot noodle. I am tasked to lead a delegation to Lester and raise, once more, the issue of _staff_.

 **5.45pm** Entire team on tenterhooks.

Lester last observed heading towards the barracks' kitchen with a pained expression on his face. Captain Becker alleges Lester said, "Useless, all of them!" but opinion is divided on that subject.

Connor has been sent to purchase wine and beer.

 **6pm** Wine and beer have arrived. Message from Lester saying that unless the cheerful Christmas music ceases forthwith there will be no muffins.

General rejoicing save for Jess who is inconsolable until fed wine and spare chocolate. Since wine now open all agree it would be pointless to wait for Lester.

 **6.30pm** Sinful Death by Chocolate Muffins are, indeed, the food of the gods. Have given James Lester a permanent exception from **the list**.

 **Unable to read timepiece, but late** Explained the _unfortunate connection_ between Becker and myself to Abby and Jess. Once they stopped laughing they assured me that we are in no way alike.

Go to bed much relieved.

 **Fiery Vengeance List:**  
Matt?  
 ~~Jess Parker~~  
Captain Becker  
Cliff Richard  
Tetris  
Tetris  
Microsoft?  
Captain Becker  
Permanent Exception: James Lester


End file.
